A Mother's Guilt

Guilty Mama Sydrome 

 Since starting my journey as a stay at home mom I have had an all consuming guilt about my role as a financial contributor to our family. Everytime I buy something for myself I think well....should I be doing that, should I be spending this, I really am not bringing in any money. Even though we are financially stable, my husband is so completely okay with me spending as a I please, with in reason, its still a mental struggle. 

Then on the flip side when I was working I felt like I was missing out on my kids lives. I would ask myself are my monetary worldly passions worth missing a first step, first word, etc.

When E. cried when I dropped her off. GUILT.  I had a meeting after school and would after the drive home only see her for a total of two hours. GUILT.  One time, I actually broke down the number of days I spent with E. vs. the number of days I spent at work in a year. So much GUILT no matter what choice is made. Moving forward to more guilty moments.

Then there is the guilt of snapping at your toddler, tween, or teenager because you had a bad day. 

Maybe you just said sh** and guess what your two year old just said?! Insert small laugh and more GUILT!

Or that your little has said "mom" fifteen times before you stop looking at Facebook on your phone. When you realize well..... Insert more GUILT. 

To say the least parenting comes with a lot of GUILT! It's how we process it that matters. I am currently reading the book "Sacred Parenting" by Gary Thompson.  What I love about this book is that it is not a parenting "How To", but rather how "parenting shapes our souls" and matures us as humans, christains, and as parents. Gary states that " We're not the best parents, , not by far. We don't have all the wisdom we'd like. We don't understand how everything fits together. We make mistakes, we make messes, we can do everything wrong-but God looks at us with a Father's delighted eyes. Where we see weakness God see humility." (pg. 52.) He also describe that God has an abundant amount of love and mercy for us and forgiveness for our mistakes. 

I loved this passage because it reminds me that God created me as a parent to be perfectly imperfect. He also created my perfectly imperfect children just for me. So when I feel the GUILT of my short comings and I am locked in the bathroom questioning my sanity, I am going to remind myself that I was MADE for this job, they will survive, despite if I work or stay at home, despite if I cuss and they repeat, despite if I snap at them, they will SURIVIVE! They will not only survive, but I am guessing they will turn out to be healthy, happy, functioning adults, because if I look at myself through Christ's eyes I am humbled by my mistakes and empowered to continue on in the crazy beautiful world of parenting. 

Grace, Mercy, and Move On!

So if you are a guilty mother like me. Give yourself a little GRACE and MERCY and move on. Parenting is long journey, not a sprint. So the good news is tomorrow is a new day full of new gifts and plenty of things for us all to screw up, have a little guilt about, and then be merciful to ourselves, learn, and charge forward. 

So whatever your GUILT is right now I challenge you to let it go and move forward!  I promise if you feel like you are failing that means you are doing a whole lot right because you are taking the times to question your ways to better yourself for you and your kiddos.  

All the feelings,

Laura 

Three and Me

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What is it like to have twins and a toddler? How do you do it? How many diapers do you go through? How much formula do you use? How do you breastfeed twins? How is E. adjusting to not being the baby anymore? 

 These are just a handful of the questions I am asked on a regular basis. So I am going to answer these popular questions in my very first post! 

How do you do it?

I do it just like every other mama does it. The best that I can. We have beautiful moments and we have moments where there is paint on the wall, poop in the bathtub, and pudding in our hair all within a period of five minutes. Those are the moments when we choose to see the humor in our craziness or we go literally crazy! 

I mean on the daily I ask myself how the H. E. double hockey sticks does any mom do it? Being a mom of three, one, or ten is tough. I can't even tell you the amount of respect I have for my fellow women who fight the good fight with me on a daily basis against an army of toddlers, pre-teens, teenagers, and then finally grown children that think they know everything about parenting. Right mom?! XOXO  These kids come with the odds in their favor. They know we love them more than the air that we breathe, they are adorable (except maybe the teenagers), and they are our greatest accomplishments. We don't stand a chance most days so as I always say if you can't beat them then you might as well join them. So that is exactly what I do! We PLAY,  we make MESSES, and we LEARN together about this big beautiful world that we live in. 

Do you breastfeed?

Well let me start with saying I was a nursing Nazi with E. She was breastfed for fourteen months and honestly she lived on my boob the first year of her life because I was so scared she was going to not get enough milk.  Well for any of you that know E. she was far from starving. Please reference picture below of E. at 3 months old! Okay, to say the least I had some misconceptions about what a healthy fed baby looked like. 

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I must say that breastfeeding was a wonderful experience! It was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done, including caring twins for almost 8 months, but an amazing experience. 

Now moving onto the twins. I nursed the twins for three months. It was the longest, most frustrating time of my life. They would not latch because they were tongue and lip tied. It was heartbreaking. I was so determined to tandem feed. I wanted desperately to be like the naturalist mom's you see in pictures nursing both babies at once. I kept telling myself I had nursed E. and I could do it again with my sweet twins. When all my efforts continued to fail I was a MESS.

There were soooo many days I would sit and cry because I had been hooked up to the pump every hour of the day and night. I was always just trying to get enough milk for the next feed. We went to lactation appointments, had their tongues and lips clipped, consulted with the pediatrician, and with a wonderful occupational therapist, and finally after three months I gave up.

I cried during the first formula bottle, not because I judged other mothers for giving formula, but because I hated myself for not being able to do what I did for E. for A. and A. Then about a week went past and I showed myself some grace and mercy! Guess what my formula fed babies were doing great! I was able to get my sanity back!!! All was well with the world!!!

So moral of the story is if you are a mom that is struggling give yourself a break! You feed that baby what you need to feed them. Then go out there and be the best version of you possible for them! A fed baby is a happy baby and happy baby equals a happy mama!

Just for fun this is a picture of the twins while they were still in NICU. So tiny! Talk about feeling like a nut that I thought E. was skinny! It's all about perspective my friends. 

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How many diapers do you go through?

We go through around TWENTY diapers a day currently. We are working on potty training with E. right now, but for the most part there is still a lot of pooping and peeing going on! 

How is E. adjusting?

She has been amazing! From day one she has taken on the role of big sister with such pride. There is nothing like watching your first baby meet their siblings. We did do a few things to make her transition a little easier and in a future post I will share with you things that seemed to help her transition into her new role, but overall she has been a natural little mama.

Special Thanks 

First I want to say thank you to my wonderful mother, mother in law, and husband for supporting me and loving me enough to allow me little moments to myself to work on my special projects. Also, shout out to my girl Casey Ferkingstad, with Faster Way to Fat Loss, for helping guide me in making the right technical choices and encouraging me to just do it! 

Next, I want to say thank you to all of  you who took time out of your busy life to read a little about our family. I love sharing our journey and connecting with other mothers. My tribe really is the best and I love that it is growing! I look forward to sharing all our adventures with you over the next year! 

All the feelings, 

Laura